Attempting Adulthood.

So university is over. Three years of my life dedicated to furthering my education are complete, finito, done. Now what do I do?

I am currently having the biggest existential crisis of my short life.

At 21 years of age I am expected to be a fully functioning adult who can manage my finances, cook, clean and find a job. I Ellen who is currently incapable of getting up before 9,  how anyone expects me to be qualified to work let alone for life is a great conundrum.

University doesn’t quite prepare you for the big bad world. Throughout those three years I had a brief whiff of independence, but the almost unbearable stench of its reality is quite well, unbearable. In fact true independence seems quite lonely. I’d much rather be in the comfort of my parents house, always with the knowledge that I have a warm bed, a full fridge and the freedom of coming and going as I please. On the other hand I’m not sure how I feel about finally being back home. The only thing I know is I that can no longer lay in bed till noon or order dominoes at 4am. It feels like regressing and progressing, becoming a child whilst creating a new adult life. What a confusing time!

I need to start looking for a real life, well paid, adult job. Then comes tax, and bills, and loans, and moving.

*Reaches for paper bag*

However in the middle of the panic I feel I need to learn about the risk, the fear, and the excitement of living pay cheque to pay cheque. The knowledge of coming back to a cold flat with an empty fridge. These are things I want to experience. The horror of being an adult trying to make it in an unforgiving and sometimes cruel world without the bosom of family to fall back on.  I’m getting a bit philosophical, apologies.

In the midst of all this turmoil I had a horrendous dream the other night…

My entire family was on a cruise ship having a wonderful time, then suddenly there was fire everywhere and everyone began running for safety. My family and I ended up in a corridor where all these school children had hidden in fear, so I went out to save them. I made them all join hands and follow me up to the top deck. Thousands of people were on this deck and the ship began tipping, the end was sinking, Titanic style.  I saved these two girls from falling and then realised I had lost my family. I searched and couldn’t find them. I then saw a flag pole and tried so hard to climb it, it was like that scene out of Mulan with the arrow and the weights.

*Cue I’ll Make a Man Out of You music*

When I eventually got to the top I saw a woman who looked like my Gran, but it wasn’t her, my hopes were dashed I thought I would never see my family again before I died. Then I saw my Dad, the back of his head stood out in the crowd. I ran over and embraced them all screaming and crying “I found you I found you”, and then we all drowned…

I woke up and ran straight downstairs to find my parent’s eating breakfast. They both looked at me with puzzled expressions as it was 8:30 and I ran, two very rare occurrences, it was then I realised the world had not just ended.

The worst part is I decided to Google what it meant and it is supposedly a good thing! This website said something about new beginnings, and how in my life I was going through a big change, and that dying in my dream meant a rebirth, yada yada yada. Well la di da, all I know is that my subconscious is sending me very clear signals.

I am starting a new chapter in my life and it is terrifying but it should be a good kind of scary. As a new graduate it is hard not to be negative when all you get are rejections, told you don’t have enough experience or just don’t get a reply all together. However I feel each rejection and set back should propel you forward, confirm that the job/place/company was not for you. It will all work out, it has to. What I have come to realise over the past few years is no one has any idea what they are doing but if you have confidence in your ability and a willingness to learn you will go far.

So be as swift as coursing river, have the force of a great typhoon, all the strength of a raging fire and always be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Good luck to all

E x

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