February 14th a date that some take joy in and others dread. I on the other hand am quite indifferent, maybe if I did have someone to share it with this would be a completely different matter. However here I am again, single and content (or so I like to tell myself to stop the tears *sob*) No in seriousness it’s for the good of men.
Here’s the funny thing…My experience of dating is pretty limited, going to an all girls Catholic secondary school there wasn’t much choice unless you went searching for it. To be honest I thought all guys were just a bit icky. I didn’t even think much of it until I reached year 10 and had my first boyfriend (if you can call him that)
I doubt he’ll read this but if you do I’m sorry…
My first ‘relationship’ was with a boy I met on a retreat for our confirmation class. I know a religious retreat and I find myself a boyfriend…it is pretty typical really. I had known him all of two days, and in which I don’t think I spoke to him once, but clearly my allure had enraptured him and he asked me out. My reply was obviously NO, however as this is me this is not where the story ends. I said no but my ‘friend’ told him yes…
Now any normal person would turn around and tell him “I didn’t accept, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to go out with you.” I didn’t have the heart to say anything, so the next morning I was sat next to my new boyfriend at breakfast.
From this day onwards I embarked on a four-month relationship full of embarrassing dates and awkwardness. To give you an example our first date was at the cinema *sound effect indicating flashback*
I met him there and it was all awkward smiles and small talk, so far so good. It was then that it all went to hell, disaster struck in the form of my forever undone shoelaces. Oh no I didn’t just trip and fall on my face, that I could have dealt with, I got stuck in the escalator! So when we got to the top and he got off, I couldn’t move. He kept walking for a bit then turned around to see me struggling to pull my foot out with a look of absolute terror and embarrassment on my face. I saw his face go from an expression of shock, to amusement, and he laughed for quite a while before coming to the rescue. It took an entire film for me to recover from the incident and this was only the start of the date.
It then proceeded with a trip to the park where I thought it would be a brilliant idea to hang upside down from a pole (I am such a lady) my shoes fell off and trying to be a gentleman he went to put them back on for me. After failing for a good five minutes I sighed, laughed and told him to give up as my feet were fatter than a pregnant rhinoceros…I mean what?!?
This relationship continued with a few more awkward dates and even a trip to his house where I met his parents and sister. The day consisted of a lunch full of questions and chicken baguettes that captured my entire attention to not make a mess, all to no avail as I still ended up with salad cream on my chin and crumbs in my bra. Then we played board games and I played him and his sister a piece I was learning on piano. I die a little every time I think about it.
Well you’ll be happy to know I eventually put him out of his misery, not before I just stopped texting him (I am a terrible person). He eventually texted me asking if I was okay and if I still wanted to go out with him. I replied something along the lines of I’m fine but I want to break up. It was mutual I promise!
I sometimes wonder why I’m single and then I think of my attempted relationship and my questions are answered. I am just not fit to be in the company of men, scratch that other human beings. I will take my title of crazy cat lady now please, well minus the cats, I’m allergic.